Leaving a narcissistic relationship: when a narcissist himself says “Run”

Why it is so important to leave a narcissistic relationship

There are moments in my work when someone writes something that captures the dynamics of a destructive bond with such clarity that you can feel how much truth it carries. Not theoretical truth, not something learned from books, but something that comes from deep within a person who knows exactly what their own wounds feel like and how those wounds pull others into them. Especially when trying to leave a narcissistic relationship, people often search for answers, for context, and for one final confirmation that it is not their fault. Recently, I received a comment from a self-identified narcissist whom I know personally and in whom I perceive narcissistic traits, but no psychopathic structures. His words strike a point that could hardly be summarised more clearly. They show, in a deeply unsettling way, why it is so difficult to leave a narcissistic relationship, even though doing so is often the only path back to self-respect.

The words of a self-identified narcissist – unchanged, spelling corrected

“Being in a partnership with a narcissist brings about exactly the opposite of what a partnership is supposed to mean or offer. Yes, it is sad. But being sad does not help here. Head over heart. The only reason to stay would be love. But a narcissist does not know love in the way and to the extent that a healthy mind does. And yet many people cling to it and keep hoping. When you fight and do not give up hope, the body rewards you with hormones that allow you to keep fighting. That in itself is healthy. Just not with this kind of counterpart. Here, the head has to prevail and reason must take over. That is precisely why education like this is so immensely important. Otherwise, healthy people with healthy behaviour and a great deal of love in their hearts simply go under.

I am not familiar with autism (as you may have noticed). But imagine if you could not recognise autistic people. The whole world might be angry with them. The overall package that is a narcissist is a truly vicious psychological trap. The hatred that victims feel is, in itself, justified. There stands a person who appears healthy, perhaps even successful. Why would they do something like this? That is exactly what the world needs to understand.

Meditation for self-reflection and the acceptance and mourning of old wounds should be a school subject. But instead, children are taught abstract ideas about Freud and have to memorise things that are hardly comprehensible. Close your eyes, switch off your focus, watch thoughts popping up in your mind like bubbles in a drink, rising to the surface and disappearing again. Observe these thoughts. Analyse them. What is your subconscious trying to achieve? A narcissist sees that he wants control over his external self-image. Or control over a specific situation that occupies him deeply. Control over a person who gives him so much, so that the giving does not stop. That he himself can also give is something he has not been aware of since childhood. He can only show that he is worthy of being liked. He does that and, in doing so, crosses every moral boundary, especially the boundaries set by the other person.

‘I know you set boundaries, but I want that beautiful feeling of sparks again. I know you love me, so I embrace you from behind with promises I would love to keep, but cannot, so that you do not leave and I can keep the feeling that someone is taking care of me. I do not know love, perhaps only from television. Loving or caring, to me, means unconditional parental affection, the kind I longed for from my parents. For me, it is normal to beg for love without giving anything in return. I have remained an emotional toddler.’

But what successful person would ever admit this? I personally could, because I had known for a long time that something was wrong and that my father was inhibiting my development. For a long time, I believed in something like a self-fulfilling prophecy when he tried once again to convince me that I was financially and socially dependent on him. But that was not it. I found no solution until one day I stood at an emotional abyss and then began to meditate. Many others would have condemned meditation as devil’s work afterwards, but thanks to my earlier reflections, I knew that this was the glimmer of hope and that I had to go through this hell in order to become whole.

If a relationship drains you: head over heart. The path I have taken (and yes, that sets me apart, but I no longer crave attention) is not something you take lightly. Have absolutely no hope. Leave. He or she is a child, and you will not succeed in making them catch up on their development. They promise and promise in order not to fall. They want to prove it to everyone. But they cannot. Technically impossible. The machine is broken. Leave. It will only hurt them until they have built a new construct that provides them with a fresh supply of emotional energy.

Sorry for the long text. I feel the need to get this out so that I can process it myself. So that I no longer have to feel sad about myself. I hope it helps to understand and to put things into perspective. I do not hope for understanding reactions. My ego no longer needs that. What I am doing here is restoring my self-worth, entirely for myself, and I consider it morally very important to share my thinking. I know that I am acting correctly. That is actually enough to see myself from the inside as something far better than ever before.”

What this text means for those affected

When a narcissist describes the functioning of their inner world with this level of clarity, it offers those affected not only insight, but a form of validation that many have been missing for years. His text makes it clear why it is so difficult to leave a narcissistic relationship, even though doing so is ultimately the only chance for emotional stability. It shows why hope is a biochemical phenomenon that keeps us trapped in destructive cycles, and why the love we long for can never emerge with this kind of counterpart.

At the same time, he describes narcissistic logic with unintended precision: begging for love, being unable to give, making promises that cannot be kept, controlling others in order not to be abandoned. These very mechanisms make it so hard to leave a narcissistic relationship, because the cognitive dissonance between heart and mind is profoundly painful.

Why this insight is so valuable

What makes his words so remarkable is not the insight alone, but the ruthless honesty with which he describes his own inability to form closeness. He confirms that victims do not fail because they love too little, are too weak, or are too sensitive, but because the other person is emotionally stuck at an inner developmental stage that makes a partnership impossible.

For this very reason, leaving a narcissistic relationship is often an act of self-preservation, even when the path towards it is painful, long, and full of ambivalence.

Conclusion

It is rare to read such an open account from someone who carries narcissistic traits and is nevertheless able to observe their own system. For many affected individuals, this text can function like a mirror that finally shows that it was not their love that failed, but that the structure of the other person does not allow for a healthy bond. Perhaps this perspective can help people understand themselves more clearly and find the strength to do what once seemed impossible for years: to leave a narcissistic relationship and begin the journey back to self-respect.

FAQ

1. How do I know that I should leave a narcissistic relationship?

If you feel emotionally exhausted over a long period of time, constantly doubt yourself, ignore your own boundaries, notice your self-worth declining, and experience conflicts that are repeatedly reinterpreted or turned against you, these are typical dynamics of a narcissistic relationship. Once your nervous system remains in a constant state of alert and you no longer feel safe, the point has been reached at which you should leave a narcissistic relationship.

2. Can a narcissist have a healthy partnership?

A narcissist often cannot sustain closeness because they lack a stable inner attachment experience and perceive emotional needs as a threat. Even if some narcissists are capable of reflection, their ability to engage in authentic emotional reciprocity remains limited. A healthy partnership requires taking responsibility, and this is precisely what is usually unavailable within narcissistic structures.

3. Why is it so difficult to leave a narcissistic relationship?

Those affected experience a powerful biochemical bond: phases of idealisation are followed by withdrawal, pain, and then renewed hope for the return of affection. These cycles create an addiction-like pattern in the brain. In addition, many internalise the narcissist’s reversal of blame and believe they simply need to “give more love” in order to regain stability. These mechanisms are exactly what make it so difficult to leave a narcissistic relationship.

4. What happens to a narcissist when you leave?

Narcissists experience loss as a loss of control and often respond with anger, adopting a victim role, devaluation, or rapid new attachments in order to maintain emotional supply. The pain is usually not genuine grief, but the collapse of an important regulatory system. Once a replacement has been found, their system stabilises again, which is why those affected should not feel guilty when they leave a narcissistic relationship.