How does a narcissist love? The bitter truth about narcissistic “love”

In my coaching work with survivors of narcissistic abuse, one question comes up again and again: How can someone be like this? How can a person who says they love me cause so much pain at the same time?

This question is so tormenting because it is asked through the lens of our own logic. We measure with the standards of our own capacity for love: If I love someone, I do not want to hurt them. And this is exactly where the trap lies – we are applying a logic that simply does not exist for a narcissist.

What a narcissist understands by “love”

A narcissist does not love in the sense of a mature, mutual bond. Their “love” is functional. It lasts only as long as you mirror them, admire them, supply them, and fill their inner emptiness. The moment you develop needs of your own or begin to set boundaries, closeness no longer feels enriching to them, but threatening.

At that point, their protective system is activated – a system they developed early in life to avoid feeling their own wounds. To you, it looks like sudden coldness, devaluation, or aggression. To them, it is simply a survival pattern.

The depth-psychological explanation of narcissistic “love”

Behind the polished façade lies a fragile self that cannot tolerate real intimacy. Closeness feels dangerous because it exposes vulnerability. That is why intimacy is replaced by control, power, and manipulation.

For you, this often feels like great love in the beginning, because the narcissist mirrors exactly what you long for. For them, however, it is an arrangement that works only as long as you “function”.

The cruel truth about narcissistic relationships

The bitter truth is this: a narcissist does not love you, but the function you fulfil for them. They need you as a mirror for their grandiosity and as a supplier for their needs – not as an equal partner. The moment you become a real human being with your own limits, their illusion collapses. Their response is coldness, devaluation, or aggression.

Those affected struggle to understand this because they start from the premise of genuine love: If I love, I do not want to hurt. But narcissists love differently – or rather, they do not love at all. They function. What they call love is a survival strategy in which empathy has no place.

Why this insight is so important for your healing

The decisive turning point on the path of healing after narcissistic abuse is seeing through this mechanism. Not in order to accuse the narcissist, but to free yourself from the endless loop of self-doubt.

You are not to blame. You are not imagining things. You are someone who was capable of giving real love – and who encountered a person who only pretended to be capable of the same.

Once this difference becomes clear, the tormenting question finally loses its power: How can someone be like this? The answer is: they are like this because they cannot be different – and because they do not want to be. Your path does not lie in healing them, but in healing yourself.

Conclusion: healing means learning to trust yourself again

Once you truly understand that narcissistic “love” is not real love, you can begin to let go of illusions. Your goal is not to change them – your goal is to strengthen yourself.

That is exactly what I support in my coaching: recognising the difference clearly, healing your own wounds, and finding your way back to inner strength.